Insights from the Estrangement Series: The Ultimate Recap

Hello, and welcome to the Hey Boomer show. My name is Wendy Greene, and I am your host for Hey Boomer. And at Hey Boomer, we are discussing the opportunities and challenges in our relationships as we get older. Some relationships fade away. Some open potentially exciting, new, and vibrant chapters. We see this time of our lives as a time of exploration, self expression, and learning. Yes. We never stop looking for opportunities to learn.

Today, I will be recapping all that we learned in our series about Family and friend estrangement and reconciliation. But before we dive in, let's take a moment to thank our sponsor, Rhodes Scholar. Rhodes Scholar is the leader in not for profit travel for boomers and beyond and grandparent travel. They have trips to all 50 states and over 100 countries. So what are you interested in? I bet they have a trip for that. Each trip is a learning adventure, an opportunity to make new friends, try new foods, And experience new places. It's one of it well, it's not just one of my. It is my favorite way to travel.

I love All the trips I have taken with Rhodes Scholar. Check out all that Rhodes Scholar has to offer by going to road, r o a d, scholar.org/heyboomer. And please use the slash heyboomer so that they know you heard about all of their trips from our podcast. Okay. Over the past 4 years, we, together, have weathered the pandemic. We've come out the other side, and we have been Lighted and inspired by Hey Boomer guests who shared their knowledge and their ideas with us. Over the past almost 4 years, I have been focused on the theme of we are never too old To set another goal or dream a new dream. And I believe that our mindset has a huge influence on how we live, And I will not buy into society's old ideas of what it means to be 60, 70, 80, and beyond.

I turned 70 the summer of 2023, this past summer, And I acknowledge that there are some things that I can't do as well as I once did as far as physical activities. Sometimes I find that I forget things, but don't we all? But turning 70 also brought an awareness of some of the other challenges or opportunities that we face as we get older. I like to reframe challenges As opportunities. Opportunities open us up to learning and growth. They're not always the way we want to learn. However, just like our mindset around positive aging, A mindset of learning and opportunity helps us to face life events with an open mind. So in 2024, Hey Boomer will focus on the relationships in our lives. We spent the 1st month of this year looking at family relationships and friend relationships strained by estrangement.

We learned so much from each of the experts we spoke to about this topic, and I know there's more to learn. But today, I want to recap for you what we talked about and pull out the gems for you to embrace in your own relationships. I will start by discussing a topic that is difficult to talk about, the topic of estrangement. We learned from doctor Joshua Coleman and doctor Janet Steinkamp about parent and adult child estrangement. Then we met Fern Schumer Chapman, and we learned about sibling estrangement. The series wrapped up with our conversation with Margie Zabel Fisher and our discussion about friendships. It is so important for our physical and emotional well-being to be surrounded by loving and supportive people. Please share this episode with friends and family.

Let's spread the word about how Hey Boomer is addressing topics We all may eventually deal with and how we are looking at them as learning opportunities. The idea of offering a series on estrangement is a result of the episode I had in November with doctor Joshua Coleman. You may recall that he wrote the book Rules of Estrangement. He opened our eyes to how Our adult children view self care and how that has normalized the idea of estrangement to them as Somehow necessary or even courageous to take care of themselves. We, as their parents, we believe in self care. However, we never thought To define it as cutting off a family relationship unless they were truly abusive. The talk of estrangement, of cutting ties when delivered from our adult children, has caught many of us Off guard. Doctor Coleman shared the estrangement story that he went through with his daughter.

And initially, when he sought counseling about this, his therapist encouraged him to be more assertive, To let her know that her feelings were wrong, that he had been a good parent, think of all that he had done for her throughout her life. This resulted in pushing her away even more. But it's true. This is how most of us Feel initially when our child says they don't wanna talk to us anymore. But it was not until he began to take and recognize her truth, even if he did not agree with it, that she began to start to let him back in. Being able to say to an adult child who is talking about estrangement Or one who has already separated themselves, it being able to say, I know you wouldn't do this Unless you felt like it was the health healthiest thing for you to do, shows them that you're willing to hear them, And make some changes in the relationship. It is not easy to do, but it is necessary If you want to heal the estrangement. Doctor Coleman left us with the takeaway of writing what he called an amends letter.

And in the letter of amends, you try to address The kernel of truth in the child's complaints. You would show empathy and take responsibility. He recommends the parents start by acknowledging that they understand their adult child wouldn't have cut off contact Unless they saw it as the healthiest thing for themselves, and then address The things the adult child has said were problematic in a very straightforward, unemotional way. For instance, you may say something like, I know the divorce was hard on you, or I know that I can be critical, Even if you don't feel like you're critical all the time. Right? That you understand it was difficult for them, And your behavior or the event impacted them perhaps more than you realized. These are difficult things to say, but try not to be defensive, and do it. And it might be helpful also to find a therapist to support you on this journey of reconciliation with your adult child if it has come to that point of the complete separation. Interestingly, doctor Janet Steinkamp was trained by doctor Coleman.

She was our guest on the episode entitled rebuilding estranged relationships. Janet's tale of estrangement from her daughter was marked by her recognition of her own parent Child communication missteps and her daughter's evolving adult expectations. Discussing the challenge of her own journey, along with the work she has done with clients, Doctor Steinkamp articulated the commonalities many parents feel in experiencing estrangement Despite believing that we have done our best, she talked about the stages of grief that we go through. From denial, I don't get it. Why is my child cutting me off? To anger, How dare they do this to me? To depression, I feel lost. I don't know what else to do. Why are they Doing this to me, I so sad to finally acceptance. Okay.

Now it's time to see what we can do to fix this. But doctor Steinkamp cautioned That in the early stages of grief, we are not at our best. This is when we are recognizing our vulnerability. Truthfully, in these situations, your adult child has more power than you. They're controlling If they can see you, if you they will let you see them and their children. The vulnerability in our relationship Is a new experience for us, and it's a big change, and we experience the denial, the anger, the despair, And we swirl around in that, and it's confusing, and our emotional regulation is at its worst. We feel we feel weak, confused. We're most likely to snap during those times, and we're not able to really disengage And be that rational, mature adult parent.

It's important for us, doctor Steinkamp said, To recognize how grief impacts our communication and the ways that we could make things worse By reacting at those points, we may find ourselves engaging in bargaining, pleading, begging, and and then move into threats And anger, that tit for tat kind of back and forth that we get into, we act from our own hurt child. None of this type of behavior is helpful in reconciling. Doctor Steinkamp talked about gaining self knowledge and spending time in self reflection. She introduced the DISC assessment tool and explained how this tool identified communication styles. DISC stands for dominance, influence, steadiness, and conscientiousness as our ways of communicating. And doctor Steinkamp feels that understanding our own style And that of our adult child will help us communicate in ways that will be better received. She and her daughter are working through understanding each other better by using the insights they've gained by the DISC framework. It's shocking to me how many people in our Generation are experiencing estrangement from their adult children.

If not complete estrangement, at least Tentative estrangement, some kinds of boundaries that have been put up that we didn't expect That are probably appropriate when you think about them, but they're they catch us off guard. So this was an important topic that we may readdress at some point in the future, but the main takeaways from my discussion With doctor Coleman and doctor Steinkamp are, first, things have changed, and adult children feel that there may come a time When protecting their mental health or practicing their own self care means at least establishing boundaries and at the Stream, cutting off all contact. Number 2, estrangement is painful. No surprise there. But it's painful for both the adult child and for the parent. But in reality, the parents probably feel the pain more because our expectation was That we would still be in their lives the same way we've always been in their lives, and that's not reality. Number 3. To start the reconciliation journey, parents will have to take responsibility for the behaviors The adult child is finding untenable even if we do not agree with them.

Learning is painful, And parenting is not easy at any stage, but parenting adult children, we have to learn new ways of relating. Doctor Coleman number 4, doctor Coleman recommends the amends letter, And doctor Steinkamp recommends learning about communication styles. Both of them say That self reflection, empathy, and willingness to take responsibility are required If hope to reconcile with an estranged adult child. Estrangement happens between siblings also, And we spoke to Fern Schumer Chapman about this. Her book, Brothers, Sisters, Strangers, Talked about the story of a 40 year estrangement between her and her brother and their eventual reconciliation. Sibling relationships can often be a source of immense support and love. But when estranged, They can become a silent source of immense pain as poignantly shared by Fern Schumer Chapman. 1st story of estrangement from her brother affected every family member.

Her children never got to know their uncle Or their cousins. She never really got to know her nephews, and her mother was caught in the middle between the 2 siblings. Her brother had struggled with all sorts of issues, among them alcoholism and depression, for a very long time. Her mother had a limited relationship with him and tried to stay in contact, but he really did not want to keep a close connection. One day, her mother called him and discovered that he sounded horrible. In a panic, she called Fern and asked her to step in and intervene, which seemed like a Preposterous request to Ferne because she had not had the civil conversation with her brother in almost 40 years. So Fern stepped back and she asked herself, well, what do I do? What are my responsibilities In a relationship that I haven't had for decades, what do I owe my mother? What do I owe the family? Out of a sense of obligation to her mother, she decided, alright. I'll call, believing that Her brother would not answer the phone, and he didn't.

But to her surprise, he called back almost immediately, And he was so desperate, he was willing to take her offer for help. Sibling rejection ripples through life and identity. It affects self esteem, Who you are, how you see yourself, it affects friendships, other social relationships, your well-being, and your ability to trust others as well as affecting The the larger family. People choose sides. It's a very, very uncomfortable situation to say the least. Fern acknowledged that some relationships are simply too toxic to sustain. If there's abuse, if there's been violence, If there's chronic hurt, it may not be a good idea to pursue a relationship with this person, And that's something each sibling needs to evaluate for him or herself. But some important questions to ask yourself When considering reconciling with an estranged sibling, you might ask yourself, why is this relationship important to me? Not why is it important to my family or anyone else, but why is it important to me? Ask yourself, does your family member want to resume the relationship? Because it takes more than just you to reconcile with a a strained sibling.

You have to ask yourself if you can set aside the anger and the pain and the resentment that led to the break and change in the relationship in the 1st place, and do you wanna resume the relationship even if it can't change, And do I really have the time and energy and emotional resilience and support of loved ones to reconcile and rebuild the relationship. It's a big one because it does take time. And finally, setting the expectation for what it could be is important. You're probably not gonna be best friends. The relationship broke for a reason, but can you be Family again. Can you be loving siblings in a way that you Can be together and respectful of each other. Once you've decided and answered those questions, Once you've decided that reconciliation with a sibling is possible, Fern suggests that it's going to require several things. First, You're gonna have to sit down face to face and have some of those questions answered face to face with your sibling.

You're gonna have to listen without interrupting and without challenging each other's stories. Each of you has your own perspective on what happened and why it happened, and that's truth for you. Listen. Very difficult. You have to acknowledge with empathy The other person's hurt or anger or alienation. You really need to stress your willingness and your desire and your hope to recreate a mutual bond. There's gonna be difficult times on this journey of reconciling with an estranged sibling. And without that determination And that willingness and that desire on both sides, the work is gonna be even more difficult, if not impossible.

And the last thing she suggests that's so important Is to let go of the anger. So good luck on reconciling The hard work of building that bond again with your sibling. We wrapped up this series on Family and friends and the importance of all of that. By talking about Strained relationships with friends with Margie Zabel Fisher. Margie wrote an article for Next Avenue titled How to Prevent Being Estranged from a Friend. In that article, she noted, quote, family estrangement is upsetting, but friend estrangement can be just as or even more distressing than family estrangement, especially as we get older. In fact, a study by Michigan State University showed that friendships Have a much bigger influence on our physical and emotional state as we age than family relationships. Why is this? Well, Margie explained it's because family members move away.

They pass away, Or they may become estranged. Friendships increase in significance to help us maintain Our emotional health. Our friends become the people that we can often lean on for support. Maintaining close friendships, particularly for Boomers, is essential, not just for emotional strength, but also as a source of joy and engagement in one's later years. And Margie emphasized the importance of investing time and energy into these relationships. We also talked about the remarkable value of intergenerational friends who bring diverse Perspectives and shared wisdom across age groups. We talked about What a toxic friend is and how they can leave us feeling drained, exhausted, stressed, thinking about that person, Spending time with that person or feeling bad when you spend time with them, these are red flags of a toxic friendship. Margie showed an example of a friend of hers, quote, unquote friend of hers, who used to make fun of her parenting skills.

Initially, early in the friendship, she laughed along with her. Margie thought she was a friend and was not being serious, but finally, one day, she thought to herself that she did not like being put down for her parenting skills, So she had to decide to end the relationship. She did try to talk to her friend, but it was clear that there was not going to be A satisfactory resolution. The art of navigating tough conversations with friends Can be daunting. We explored how conflict avoidance can sometimes lead to what's called ghosting, where we just stop communicating, leaving unresolved issues and denying individual closure. Facing and embracing these difficult discussions can lead to positive outcomes and growth, However they turn out. So none of us like it, that confrontation, but by Taking like, Marjorie said, putting on our big girl panties and taking the leap to at least have the conversation will help to understand what happened in the relationship, and maybe it was simply an understanding and it can be resolved. But maybe it's also a way to put closure on that relationship and feel okay about letting it go because You took the step to have the conversation.

Intergenerational bonds, as emphasized by Margie, become increasingly valuable, Offering a chance to learn and share life experiences across different life stages, the exchange of knowledge and support between generations enriches the lives of All parties involved. Having younger friends may provide some additional assistance when we need it also along with different perspectives. And having older friends allow us to feel needed while also giving us access to knowledge that we do not yet have. And finally, we talked about how nurturing friend relationships takes genuine effort and intention. Margie shared her system with us of prioritizing friendships. She has a whiteboard with a list of her friends' names divided into 3 Different columns. 1 column is her local friends that she wants to have lunch or dinner with. The 2nd column are the couple friends that she wants to make plans with herself and her husband and the other couple or couples.

And in the 3rd column are people who live further away, and she wants to stay in touch. She wants to remind herself or have a phone call. I have a text with them. As Margie told us, the point is Have either a system, or make sure every so often, whatever that time line is, that you reach out to people Because putting the time in is really critical, whether it's in person or whether it's via phone or text. Friendships matter, and they require effort. As we conclude this episode, I wanna leave you with an uplifting note. The journey of family and friend estrangement Presents daunting challenges, but woven within the odyssey are possibilities For hope and growth. Each episode of Hey Boomer is an invitation to listen, learn, And apply the wisdom gained to your own life.

The path ahead may not always be easy, but it's traveled best with support and shared insights. Please don't forget to support our sponsor, road scholar.org/heyboomer, The next time you are planning a trip, you will be so excited when you see all of the different trip possibilities that Road Scholar has to offer. So go to road, r o a d, scholar, dot org/ hey boomer. And next week, we're gonna start our series on caregiving. My guest next week will be doctor Teri Peace. She's an author and caregiving advocate For people who are caring for someone with Parkinson's. When Terry married, Her husband had already been diagnosed with Parkinson's disease, but she brought Her love and her confidence and her wealth of knowledge and experience to bear on caring for him. And in this episode, we're gonna talk about the journey from becoming a care partner To becoming a caregiver.

Please continue to embrace this time of your life with exploration, Self expression and learning. The Hey Boomer Show is produced by me, Wendy Greene, And the music was written and performed by Griffin Hanrato, a student at the North Carolina University School of the Arts, and my grandson.