Aging with Intention: Embracing The Four Agreements in our Boomer lives

Hello and welcome to the hey Boomer show. My name is Wendy Green and I am your host for hey boomer. And hey Boomer is the podcast where we go beyond the surface, exploring the complexities of family relationships, maintaining health, navigating caregiving, addressing loneliness and friendships, and embracing new relationships. It's the podcast that acknowledges the challenges and opportunities that come with aging with a compassionate and realistic approach. At the beginning of this year, I was thinking about what topic to discuss in the Boomer Banter membership group. Years ago I had read the four agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz and I thought that would be interesting to revisit with the group. We could do one agreement every month in the Boomer banter group. We have covered the first three agreements and at the end of this month, April, we will cover the last one.

There is so much to say about the teachings in this book, and so much more than I have been able to fully incorporate into my life. It is a process and we will never reach perfection. But perfection is not the goal. The goal is to practice and find the moments of peace that can come from each of these agreements. It's the awareness of what we can achieve. Before I dive in, let me remind you of how you can get more involved with hey boomer first, and something I'd really like you to do is to subscribe to the podcast on any of the podcast apps that you use or to subscribe on YouTube. You can also follow hey boomer on Facebook or LinkedIn. You can join our private hey boomer group by going to facebook.com groups hey boomer and request to join.

We're happy to have you as part of that community. You can become part of the Boomer Banter group or the Boomer believers membership group by going to buymeacoffee.com hey boomer 0413 or you can email me about private coaching if that is something that you think you might be interested in. And my email address is wendyboomer biz. And remember, I love to see your comments both live and when you listen later on YouTube or apple or Spotify. I may not be able to answer immediately, but I will definitely respond. Okay, first, a little background about Don Miguel Ruiz. He started out as a medical doctor and practiced neurosurgery with his brother. But after a while he realized he wanted to understand more about the human mind, not just the scientific perspective, but also from an inner perspective.

And so he stepped away from medicine and he began his studies of psychology along with studying the ancient wisdoms from the toltec and aztec civilizations. His studies led him to develop the four agreements. What Don Miguel Ruiz concluded was that these four agreements could be a tool for transformation, a tool to help us stop judging mainly ourselves and a practice of living a life of integrity, love, and peace. The agreements sound simple. Maybe they are. Be impeccable with your word, do not take anything personally, do not make assumptions, and always do your best. Do those sound simple to you? Well, the words are not complicated, but incorporating these ideas into our belief system are not easy. Before we dig deeper into each agreement, it's probably important to understand where the starting point is.

So when we're children, when we're born, we're born without any ideas or beliefs. Clean slate. Our parents, our relatives, our teachers, our friends, they all start to share their ideas and their beliefs with us. They do this to help us be functioning human beings, and their intentions are generally good and loving, and we accept what they tell us about ourselves as the truth. We don't question it because they are our parents or our teachers or our siblings. So we assume they must know us. But as we get older, we begin to realize that some of the things that we were told were true about us. Well, they don't feel exactly right.

And yet, as we continue to believe them, we start to impose some self limiting beliefs on ourselves. For instance, my parents used to say to me that I was a little miss know it all. Well, I'm sure their intent was to teach me to listen more rather than telling people all that I knew. But I took this comment as a shaming remark, and as a result, I became hesitant about speaking up in class. I didn't want others to think I was showing off. I wanted to be liked, I wanted to be accepted. But I didn't understand. Back in elementary school and middle school, I didn't understand the concept of people liking me for who I was.

I just wanted to be accepted. And I think that in some ways, this idea of not showing off has made it more difficult for me to promote myself in the current work that I'm doing, or even in former life iterations, although I do think I am getting better at that. And we're also taught to love the way our parents loved, which means with some conditions, and that's the way we learn to love ourselves with conditions. So we might say, well, I love myself if I become the way I wish I could be, or I love myself if I become the way everybody else wants me to be, if I please everybody else, if I gain the acceptance of my teachers, if my friends like me, then I will love myself. But loving ourselves with those kinds of conditions creates all kinds of problems for that, for ourselves. And it makes us think that we're only lovable if we meet those expectations. And if not, then we reject ourselves as being lovable. That's not good.

So, basically, the foundation of the four agreements is that we've been programmed in our youth with a set of beliefs. We form an image of what perfection would look like for us, and we really try hard to be that. We create an image of how we should be in order to be accepted by everybody. But the problem is, we don't always fit that image. So now it's our time to examine our beliefs, those beliefs that we were taught, and form beliefs that really work for us. So there are two inner voices that Ruiz talks about in his book. The first is the judge. Just like it sounds, our inner judge judges everything that we do or don't do, everything that we think or don't think, everything that we feel or don't feel.

Because this inner judge can be so powerful, we make the assumption that other people are judging us based on the same criteria that our inner judge is judging us. But the truth is, other people, if they're judging us, they're going to judge us based on their own criteria. So, for instance, the judge may be criticizing us for not cleaning our house perfectly before company comes over. So, you know, we run around, we pick up, we straighten up. It looks neat, but we feel like, oh, we should have done a deep cleaning before we had company over. That's our belief that we've been taught, okay, our friends, they just want to come over and hang out and be friends and have a good time with us. So they're not quite understanding why we keep saying, oh, I'm sorry, the house is such a mess. They're not seeing it as a mess.

And their belief, they're like, yay. Here we are, spending time with our friend, but our inner judge is causing us all this discomfort because we feel like we're being judged. We weren't good enough. So, some suggestions for dealing with your inner judge. The next time he or she criticizes you, say to your inner judge, who cares? Who cares how clean my house is? It's neat. My friends are here. We're having a good time. Or tell your judge it's not a big deal.

My house is clean enough. We're just here to have a good time and visit with each other and give yourself some love. The other inner voice is the victim voice. The victim is the one that carries the blame, the guilt, the shame. It's the part of us that says, I'm not good enough, I'm not intelligent enough, I'm not worthy of love. These thoughts or beliefs are so disempowering, and they are not true. Can you imagine yourself saying something like that to a friend or relative? You're stupid. You're not worthy of my love.

Of course, you would never say that to a friend or a relative. So why do you say that to yourself? Well, we say that to ourselves out of fear, based on the beliefs that we were given, that we may not be smart enough, we may not be pretty enough, we may not be good enough, whatever it is. And those beliefs, that victim mentality causes us pain, suffering, and drama. So understand that. Our beliefs were given to us in childhood. We accepted them as truth, and the judge and the victim developed to help us hold on to those beliefs. Okay, that's the background. Now, with that in mind, let's dig in to the first agreement, which is be impeccable with your words.

I always tell my coaching clients to be mindful of the words they use, because words carry a lot of power. When I hear someone say, I need to work out more or I need to eat better, what I'm really hearing them say is that they don't really want to do those things. They think they should do those things. Sounds like something the judge would be telling you, right? And when we feel like we should do something, we're more likely to resist. However, by simply changing the word need to want, I want to work out more, or I want to eat more nutritiously. We're putting more intention, more power behind the action, and we typically follow through on something that we want to do if we believe we really want to do it. So that's the catch. Being impeccable with your word is not just saying you want to work out more unless you really believe that you want to work out more.

If you don't believe it, then you're not being impeccable with your word. So the action then would be changing your belief to wanting to work out more and not just feeling like you should. Do you see the difference? So, being impeccable with our word is about what we say to ourselves and what we say to others. And like I said before, words are powerful. So how do I apply this agreement to aging? Well, here's an example. If you are not retired yet, people may start asking you, when will you retire? In their belief system, they're saying, you're already old. You should be resting, withdrawing, which is what retirement means. Being impeccable with your word would be to tell yourself and anybody else, if you choose to, but really tell yourself that you enjoy the work you're doing.

You enjoy having a sense of purpose, you enjoy the people you work with, and you enjoy the challenge that work brings. If all of those things are true, then retirement is not for you at this time. No need to let someone else's belief system persuade you to do something that you don't want to do. And if you are retired and you're busy with all kinds of volunteer work time with your family, and people are asking you the same kind of question, why aren't you relaxing more? Be impeccable with your word. Let them know how much you love what you're doing, and that's why you're doing it. Did you see the article I shared in the newsletter last week? I highlighted three individuals. Two of them are 91 and one of them is over 100. And all of them were still working because they enjoyed what they were doing.

In fact, one of them, the barber, just recently opened his own shop, and they said things like, I like the routine, I like to keep moving, and I happen to enjoy my job very much. It's fun coming into the shop. I like to do it. It feels good. So I stop those statements. Model being impeccable with their word because they are true for them. No one can tell them they're too old. They don't believe it.

Okay, so being impeccable with your word. The second agreement is, don't take anything personally. This one can be challenging, especially if the comment we hear or the action we see comes from someone close to us. According to this agreement, we understand that when someone says something to us, they are talking from their belief. We can hear it, we can analyze it, we can take away anything from it that makes sense and learn from that. And then if it makes sense, we can incorporate that into our beliefs. Or if what they said doesn't sound true for us, doesn't seem to fit who we think we are, we can choose not to accept it and understand it's not personal. It's coming from their beliefs.

It doesn't have to create insecurities in us or question who we are because we know who we are. Right? As I'm talking about this to you, I understand that. I'm explaining what Don Miguel Ruiz says about the four agreements. Not taking something personally is difficult, and at times it has been very difficult for me. I think about actions and words and judgments that have come up in my family. And I do find that I feel hurt that I've taken them personally. But here's the why. It's because I believe what they said is still true about me.

So I see it and I accept it that way. But as I begin to recognize that the things I did in the past that formed their belief system about me were done based on what I knew and had learned and thought was the best at the time, they're not necessarily things I would do now. And so by recognizing that their belief system comes from who I was and not who I am becoming and who I am, it's easier for me to let go of the hurt feelings because that is not part of who I am now. And so those judgments are no longer true for me. Does that make sense? Let me tell you one area where I no longer take things personally. When I started this podcast, I called it hey boomer as a reaction to the millennials snub of okay, boomer. I was very offended by that. And I will occasionally get comments on some of my posts by others who see the term boomer as offensive.

And when I ask why, they basically tell me that young people use the term in a derogatory way. Well, what some young people believe is really none of my business. It doesn't affect me. I am proud of the life I have lived in the boomer generation, and I proudly proclaim that I am a boomer. So I no longer take offense or take it personally when someone comments on a post that says I can kiss their ass when I call myself a boomer. And yes, I sometimes get those comments. That's all about them. The third agreement is don't make assumptions.

The problem with making assumptions is that we convince ourselves that they're true. We make assumptions, we create misunderstandings, we can take it personally, and then we've turned into creating a whole big drama. So many times we make assumptions because we're afraid to ask for clarification without asking. We assume that we know, but we're not mind readers. We do not know what someone else is thinking. We have the right to ask, and the other person has the right to answer or not answer. If they choose to answer, we have more clarity. We have more facts.

If they choose not to answer, we can accept that choice. Also, it doesn't give us more clarity. And it also is not about us. It is their choice. A more difficult example of making assumptions comes from my second marriage. My husband told me many times before he retired about all of the people he knew that retired and within two years they had passed away. I told, I tried to tell him, don't keep saying that you're like creating this self fulfilling prophecy. But he totally believed it was going to be true for him.

He retired at 65 and guess what? It was true for him. Within a year after his retirement, he was diagnosed with bladder cancer, and with that diagnosis, he essentially gave up on living and passed away a year later. He made an assumption based on what he saw and it became his truth. In my opinion and understanding, this also demonstrates the power of our words. He said this so many times about people dying after they retired that he believed it on a cellular level. And when he got that diagnosis, he accepted it as his truth. Finally, the fourth agreement is always do your best. We've heard that a lot from our parents, right? Do your best.

Do your best in school, do your best with your brother, do your best at this and that. This is actually the agreement that brings the other three agreements together. It does not say always be perfect. It is saying do your best. And doing your best brings you the awareness. When the boomer banter group started talking about the four agreements in January, I started to think a lot more about being impeccable with my word. I was more aware of what I said and I think more importantly, about what I thought. Thinking judgmental thoughts about myself or others is going against my desire to be impeccable with my word and to be more loving and accepting.

When you become aware of your thoughts, you are more conscious of doing your best. I can change a thought or stop myself from doing something when I try to do my best, and I will not always be able to change that thought or stop myself from saying something I wish I hadn't said. But the good news is that I can do better next time. When I try to do my best with this awareness, I will not have to judge myself as failing or feel guilty for not living up to to one of the agreements. I will acknowledge that I did not do as well as I wanted to do in that instance, and I'll learn from it. Doing your best is your ticket to awareness and improvement, and it is your key to releasing yourself from guilt or shame because you have unlimited opportunities to do better next time. The four agreements go into a lot more about the toltec transformation processes, but for me, that is not what my takeaway is. My takeaway applies to a lot of what I learned in my coach training.

I learned that our beliefs become our thoughts, our thoughts become our words. Our words become our actions. Our actions become our habits. Our habits become our values, and our values become our destiny. And so I want to close with a poem by Becky Hemsley that I found that I think expresses a lot of what we talked about in this episode. This is how it goes. She sat at the back and they said she was shy. So she led from the front and they hated her pride.

They asked her advice and then questioned her guidance. They branded her loud and then were shocked by her silence when she shared no ambition. They said it was sad, so she told them her dreams and they said she was mad. They told her they'd listen and then they covered their ears and they gave her a hug once. They laughed at her fears and she listened to all of it, thinking she should be the girl. They told her to be best as she could. But one day she asked what was best for herself instead of trying to please everyone else. So she walked to the forest and stood with the trees.

She heard the wind whisper and dance with the leaves and she spoke to the willow, the elm in the pine and she told them what she'd been told time after time. She told them that she felt she was never enough. She was either too little or far, far too much, too loud or too quiet, too fierce or too weak, too wise or too foolish, too bold or too meek. Then she found a small clearing surrounded by firs and she stopped and she heard what the trees said to her and she sat there for hours not wanting to leave for the forest. Said nothing. It just let her breathe. So thank you for listening today. I feel like this is an important episode and I would really love to know what your takeaway is from this episode and I would appreciate your comments and the live show.

I appreciate your comments on the podcast. Comments and reviews definitely help the podcast be found by more listeners. And please, please share this with your friends. And don't forget, subscribe to the podcast on your favorite podcast, Apple. Follow Hey boomer on Facebook, LinkedIn and YouTube. Join the private hey Boomer. What's next? Facebook group or become a member of the Boomer banter by going to buymeacoffee.com, heyboomer 0413 or email me if you are considering some private coaching. All of these links will be in the show notes.

For the next three weeks we're going to be talking about our relationship to exercise, nutrition, and mindsets. My first guest is Heike Yates. Heike is the host of Pursue your Spark podcast. She's a Pilates instructor, a mother, a grandmother, and a wife. She's passionate about helping us break out of the limiting beliefs that keep us stuck from our exercise and nutrition best, and she believes in the transformative power of exercise. So that is going to be our topic for next week, our relationship to exercise and how to believe that we really want to do it. Each episode of hey Boomer is an invitation to listen, learn, and apply the wisdom game to your own life. The path ahead may not always be easy, but it's traveled best with support and shared insights.

Hey Boomer is produced by me, Wendy Green, and the music you heard at the beginning was written and performed by Griffin Honrado, a student at the North Carolina University School of the Arts, and my grandson.